I know I haven’t blogged in quite awhile. Originally we had signed up for this wifi service in town and all of a sudden one night it stopped working because –alas!-the company had filed for bankruptcy. We never bothered to sign up for a new internet service after I discovered Holly has a “hotspot” in her room from either the pizza factory or the supper club, but it’s a little iffy at working all the time. Sometimes I have to sneak into her room after she’s asleep to use it :p I really should just give in and get a smartphone w/wifi , but I hate that swipey bullcrap!
I wont go into long recap over the last couple months. We had a really nice fall and Christmas. In January we had an awesome party with all of our friends to celebrate my 30th birthday. I remember on my birthday, I was so freaking happy, seriously my arms were tingling. (My spidey senses?) Even for a week or two afterwards, I kept thinking “this is too good. Everything is too good, I KNOW we’re in for a fall, I just keep waiting for the ball to drop”. And drop it did. Everything in our life has always gone in stages of “Two steps forward, one step back”, so I don’t know why I was even surprised.
Another baby on the way. I was soooo pissed at Adam, I'm not going to deny it. Alli is only 11 months old, and I love my time during the day with her, because it's something I never got with the other kids while I was working. I spent a month being unbelievably depressed and hardly able to function. It seems selfish, right? I am surrounded by tons of people trying to have babies and I’m on my 5th ONE. And I love my kids, but the fact of the matter is, Adam is gone a LOT, and I take care of them by myself 95% of the time. It’s hard. And exhausting. There’s no one to pass the baby off to when she’s squawking and I’m trying to make dinner. There’s no one to do the baths while I help with the homework. I have to run up and down the stairs 25 times and try to do both. It’s not that he doesn’t try when he’s here, he’s just hardly ever here, and on his two days off, you can bet his mind isn’t really on worrying about any of that stuff.
There’s been a lot of fighting about it in this house lately. A lot of things got said and done by both of us that probably shouldnt have, and that makes me sad. We didn’t even really know for sure there was a baby until last week, and when she brought up the pic on the ultrasound, I realized how selfish both of us were being, fighting over stupid stuff that should have been easy to work out. But it’s too late now. Adam did something he came never take back, and now we both agreed he should move out. Again. I can’t believe I am facing this same situation again. It’s not any easier than it was the last time.
He’s in the same town, but not so far away that the kids cant see him whenever they want. Mostly we’re not even fighting, except over the Stupid Homewrecking Bitch that shall remain nameless. (hey, I said I wouldn’t bash her any more on fb. No promises on the blog.) I have been trying to figure out all week: If you are a wife or mom who has been cheated on, you know what a terrible feeling it is. So why in god’s name would you want to subject another woman and her children to that pain? No morals? And yeah, I should be bashing Adam more in that sentence, but the truth is, I don’t know why I should be surprised, he’s always sortof been a lunkhead when it comes to women. (Sorry. There is no other way to put it.)
I’m trying to keep myself busy by not dwelling on the “details”. (Ugh that is IMPOSSIBLE. I’m a writer. I want to know every single detail of everything, and you can bet that doesn’t make a pretty picture in your head at night when you are trying to sleep.) Seeing friends, staying busy with my funny, smart, wonderful kids, and trying to decipher in my head how in the hell I am going to take care of 5 kids by myself. People keeping telling me I’m strong, but I don’t feel strong at all. I’m hurt and I’m pissed and I really just want to kick her ass. Who the hell does she think she is, anyway? What does she think makes her so “great” that she’s gonna last? I know she won’t, because none of the other ones did. Me, I lasted 12 years. I’m not a giver-up-er. I’m the one who drove to Escanaba and Green Bay and Fon Du Lac, and picked up his dirty clothes and boots for 12 years, and survived a 17 hour car ride to Tennessee with him, and cooked pretty much every godforsaken thing you can imagine for dinner trying to make him happy. I was Gomes, that bitch will never be Gomes! And what did I get out of it? Well….4.5 awesome amazing kids. (If everything goes okay, Bruno will probably be here via c-section in mid-September.)
But lately it’s hard to accept that there’s a difference between giving up and letting go. The stubborn “Gomes” in me doesn’t really want to do either one.
